Alex does Manhattan
by add-duck
Summary: It seems like Alex Cabot gets paired with every character under the sun in fanfic. But usually not all in the same story. Until now.
1. Alex Returns

Alexandra Cabot stormed into the squad room, dirty, disheveled, and determined. She had the look of a woman on a mission.

"Hey, Alex." Elliot said casually, forgetting for a moment that Cabot was supposedly dead.

"Alex!" Munch yelped. "But, but...you're dead!" He cast an accusatory gaze at Elliot. "At least, that's what _some_ of us thought."

"Oops," said Elliot, stuffing his face with a Krispy Kreme. "Did I forget to mention that she's actually alive and in the Witness Protection Program?"

"Not anymore," Alex said with grim satisfaction. "I got tired of waiting for the feds to do anything." The detectives all nodded. Never leave up to the feds what you could do yourself. "So I tracked Valez down myself and killed him with my bare hands. And let me assure you, he's singing in the soprano section of the heavenly choir. Where's Olivia?"

"Dunno," Elliot shrugged. "We haven't seen her all day. Why?"

_Because I'm unbelievably horny after three months on the lam and need to get laid NOW. _"Oh, I just wanted to say hi, I'm not dead, stuff like that."

Cragen wandered out of his office. "Alex, thank god you're here."

"Am I the ONLY ONE who's surprised to find out that Miss Cabot is, in fact, NOT DEAD?" Munch howled. "That her supposed death was part of a huge GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY..."

"Can it, John." Cragen said, irritated. "Alex, here's the deal: Our new ADA seems to have gone missing. We're in deep trouble on this case. Can you lend us a hand?"

"Casey's missing?" Elliot snorted. "Have you checked the batting cages? Maybe she just lost track of time."

"Maybe she's getting her hair styled," Munch said, forgetting his indignation in the face of a prime Casey-bashing opportunity. "No wait, she clearly only spends about 30 seconds on that."

"Maybe she went back to law school," interjected Fin, arriving with the coffee. 

"Going "back" would imply that she'd ever been in the first place."

"Okay, enough," said Cragen. "Yes, we all know that Casey is woefully inadequate, but it doesn't matter because Miss Cabot is here to help us out. Right, Alex?"

Alex sighed. _What the hell. I've waited this long... _"Okay Captain. What do you need me to do?"

"Elliot's about to interview a suspect. I need you to supervise him. The rest of us will make ourselves conveniently scarce."


	2. A Heated Argument

Alex watched through the mirror as Elliot interrogated the suspect. _Jeez, this is boring,_ she thought. _I can't believe I left a job as a Tahitian Dancer in a Hawaiian Luau to come back to this._

Suddenly she saw Elliot spring across the table and wrap his hands around the suspect's neck. Irritated, she knocked on the glass.

Elliot, hearing the sound, stormed out of the interrogation room and into the Captain's office. "Don't you dare pull me out of an interrogation in progress!" He seethed. "That's something Novak would do!"

"That's something any competent attorney would do when you're violating the suspects civil rights," Alex rejoined coolly. "Not that I'm saying this Novak woman is competent..." _I've never even met the poor thing and I'm questioning her legal skills...what's up with that?_

"Violating his civil rights!" Elliot exploded. "Counselor, this..._freak_ raped a little girl, but we got no physical evidence! If I don't get a confession, he'll walk!"

Alex closed the slight distance between them and dropped her voice to a whisper. "And if the confession gets thrown out of court, he'll walk all the same!"

"Well, that's why you're here, to do your damn job and keep the confession _in!"_ Elliot's face glistened with sweat and his fists shock with rage. Unable to contain herself any longer, Alex reached up and brought his lips to meet hers for a long, lingering kiss. _Sorry Olivia, _Alex thought. _I tried to be faithful, but a girl's got needs. And this partner of yours is smokin'! _

Elliot pulled away, completely confused. "Alex...jeez...what about Kathy?"

"What about her?" Alex purred, slipping off her suit jacket.

"She's the love of my life, the mother of my children, my rock through the hard times! She's always supported me, even when I couldn't confide in her..." 

While Elliot was talking, Alex unbuttoned her blouse. She flashed him a view that was, to say the least, stunning. "You were saying?" she purred silkily.

"Our marriage has been over for a long time. Kathy's been having an affair. She's divorcing me and taking the children," Elliot stated woodenly, as though in a trance.

"Much better," Alex cooed, advancing on her prey. Groaning, Elliot lifter her up and pinned her against the wall, Alex whispered seductively in his ear. He ran his hands over the back of her head, stroking her silky blonde hair. "Oh, Maureen..."

Alex gasped and broke free, ducking under the arm that had been caressing her cheek. "Okay, it may have been a long time, and I may be horny as hell, but that's too sick for me. Ew. Ew. EEEW!"

"It was an honest mistake!" Elliot pleaded, struggling with his belt buckle. "I only thought of her because I'd been looking at her baby pictures..."

"Not helping!" Alex put her hands over her ears.

"I promise you, I do NOT have feelings for my daughter!"

Captain Cragen chose that precise moment to enter his office. He took in the sight of the topless ADA, the pantless detective, and his mouth formed an O of surprise.

_Crap._ "Captain," Alex said, attempting to maintain some dignity. "What would it take for you to forget that you ever saw this?"

Cragen didn't hesitate. "Sex. On my desk."

_Okay, _thought Alex, _looks like I'm getting some either way. _She moved towards Cragen and planted a kiss on the top of his bald head. To her surprise, he pushed her away. "Not from _you!" _Cragen gasped, recoiling in horror. "You're like a daughter to me! And that would be sick and wrong!" Elliot hung his head. Cragen reached in his desk drawer. "I need some vodka to get that thought out of my mind. Ten years of sobriety down the drain. Thank you very much, Counselor."

Alex's brain fought to catch up with this startling turn of events. "But if you don't want to do me on the desk, then..." she turned to look at Elliot, who had also apparently just made the connection, as his head snapped up. (No, not that head)

"Elliot, how much is it worth to you for me not to tell Kathy what I just saw?" Cragen grinned.

"Yes, well..." Alex stammered. "You two can work this out between yourselves. I'm going to go get the suspect arraigned." And with that, she fled the office.

Unfortunately, she'd forgotten her clothes on the back of Cragen's chair.


	3. Arraignment Antics

After retrieving her suit top (and studiously ignoring the noises from inside Cragen's office) Alex hurried over to the courthouse to arraign the suspect. Her arrival was met with extreme surprise by the defense attorney.

"Alex!" Trevor Langan exclaimed. "You're not dead!"

"I've been getting that a lot lately," Alex said dryly.

"Did you fake your death to get out of calling me?" Trevor asked, hurt and angry. "Because that night was amazing, but you never returned my messages..."

"Trevor," Alex held up a hand to cut him off. "That was a one time thing. I desperately needed a fuck and you were there. That, and you paid for dinner, which was nice. But trust me when I say there is nothing between us."

"But I think I love you!" Trevor wailed. 

"Can we get back to the case at hand?" Alex pleaded. People in the courthouse corridor were staring. Of course, they could have just been staring at the resurrected ADA herself.

"You mean the case where you have no confession, no evidence and absolutely no hope for a conviction?" Trevor remarked snidely. An idea popped into his pea-sized brain. "I'll tell you what," he said quietly, leaning close to whisper in Alex's ear. "If you'll have sex with me again, I'll convince my client to plead guilty."

"That's not exactly ethical."

"Oh, like you're one to talk."

Alex considered that for a moment. "True. Okay, if you make your client plead guilty to the top count, I'll screw you afterwards. Deal?"

"The top count? Are you going to give me any kind of sentence recommendation?"

"I'll take the death penalty off the table."

Trevor worked on that one for a while. "Rape isn't a capital crime!" he finally realized.

"Does your client know that?" Alex asked reasonably.

Trevor grinned. "Good point."

They entered the courtroom and went to their respective tables. Judge Petrovsky gasped when she saw the blonde ADA. "Miss Cabot! You're not..."

"Dead. I know." Alex sighed.

Composing herself, Petrovsky asked "How does the defendant plead?"

Trevor whispered in his client's ear. The client looked puzzled, then stunned, then fearful, then resigned. "Uh, guilty your honor."

Petrovsky couldn't hide her surprise. "Well, if only all my cases were that easy." She looked over at Alex, hoping that there was some violation for which she could cite the young attorney. Unfortunately she couldn't think of one. Damn. "Bail is denied and sentencing hearing is set for next week."

As the defendant was led away, Trevor wandered over to the prosecution table and grabbed Alex around the waist. "Meet me in the fifth floor men's room in five minutes," he whispered huskily.

Alex brushed away and gathered up her case materials. "I don't think so."

Trevor was shocked. "You said you'd sleep with me if I got him to plead out!"

Alex couldn't suppress a grin. "Check the record counselor. What I actually said was I'd screw you. And I just did." She snapped her briefcase shut and flounced toward the double doors while Trevor remained motionless at the front of the courtroom. She couldn't resist calling over her shoulder "And I screwed your client for free!"

Once in the corridor, Alex remembered how hot a courtroom victor always made her. Damn, she needed to find Olivia. _Fast._


	4. A Date With the Boss

Alex's private reverie was interrupted by a messenger tapping her on the shoulder. "Miss Cabot?"

Annoyed, Alex turned around. "What?"

"Mr. Branch would like to see you in his office." 

_Oh God. I can't deal with that man right now. _"What does he want?"

"He didn't say."

Alex sighed. "Well, I have been away for a while. I guess a courtesy call might be in order."

She pushed open the door to Branch's office with some trepidation. "Alexandra!" Branch said enthusiastically. "So the rumors are true; you're really not..."

"Dead, I know." Alex sighed. "Is that what you called me here to tell me?"

Branch motioned for her to sit down. "Actually, I thought you might be having a difficult time adjusting to your old life and surroundings. I have a little homily about life back on the farm that you might find useful. You see, my Aunt Tammy-Sue-Fae..."

"Stop. Stop right there," Alex said in her I'm-so-not-even-close-to-kidding voice. "I don't have time to listen to a rambling farm story. If I give you a lap-dance, will you let me out of here?"

Branch didn't take long to make his carefully considered decision. "Hop right on this buckin' bronco, little lady." _At least I learned some valuable skills during my exile, Alex thought wryly._

Fortunately, it took all of three seconds for Branch to reach his inevitable conclusion.

Alex beat a hasty retreat, trying not to think about the dry cleaning bill. Branch watched her departure and sighed. He needed more ADAs as competent as that one.

That thought reminded him that it was time for someone's daily spanking. He hit the intercom button. "Miss Southerlyn, would you step into my office?"


	5. Death Becomes Her

Alex's cell phone beeped urgently. "Damnit, now what!" she exploded as she snapped the phone open. Some cosmic force was trying to keep her from finding her girlfriend and getting a little nookie.

"Alex." Captain Cragen's voice sounded a little strained. Or slurred. Or both. "A new case has come in to the morgue. I need you to go see what the cause of death is."

Alex squeezed her eyes shut in frustration. "Isn't that the sort of thing your detectives should be doing?"

"Well, Elliot's the only one here at the minute, and we're kinda busy..."

"No details! No details!" Alex yelped. "I'll be right there." She hung up before she overheard anything she desperately, desperately didn't want to overhear. 

"Alex!" ME Warner exclaimed as the ADA walked into the morgue. "You're not dead!" 

Alex rolled her eyes. "What's the verdict on this new victim?" she asked. She was stunned when she looked up and saw tears in Warner's eyes. "What's wrong?"

ME Warner ran around the autopsy table and pulled Alex into a tight embrace, oblivious to her bloody apron and gloves. _I needed to get this suit cleaned anyway,_ Alex mentally sighed.

"I thought I'd never get to see you again!" Warner hiccupped. "I thought I'd never get the chance to tell you...I love you, Alex!"

Alex tried to disengage from the coroner's tight embrace. "That's quite...I really don't...I'm involved with someone." Alex finished lamely.

Warner stepped back, fire in her eyes. "Oh I see," she spat. "You're involved with someone. How convenient. And I suppose the fact that I'm black has nothing to do with it?"

"No!" Alex was stunned. "Of course not!"

"You blonde girls are all the same!" Warner wept. "Equality's all good in principle, just not when it concerns you personally. How 'bout it Counselor? Ever dated a black chick?"

"Please stop!" Alex begged, liberal guilt gnawing at her soul. She reached out and tenderly touched Warner's face. "Maybe I was too hasty..."

Warner responded to the touch by kissing Alex passionately. Alex responded for a few seconds, then pulled away. "Um, Warner, could we do this somewhere else?" she asked, gesturing to the gutted corpse on the autopsy table.

"Oh sure," Warner giggled, taking Alex's hand and pulling her towards her office. "And considering what we're about to do, I think you can call me by my first name."

"Okay, ME," Alex responded without thinking.

Warner's eyes narrowed. "It's Melinda."

"I knew that!" _I totally didn't know that._

"Get out!" Warner cried. She ran into her office and slammed the door.

Alex didn't need to be told twice. 


End file.
